(Originally posted at The New Vilna Review http://www.newvilnareview.com/homepage/searching-for-home.html
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As a liberal minded but traditionally-observant Jew, I feel blessed to have the ability to weave in and out of different Jewish circles. In the past I’ve worked at a Reform summer camp and was a regular Conservative minyan participant on Shabbat mornings at my college’s Hillel every other week. When Hillel wasn’t meeting, I attended Chabad’s Orthodox tefilot. While the majority of my friends were largely involved with Chabad because of its traditional atmosphere, I committed myself to Hillel because of the attraction to its pluralistic nature. When discussing how we define our Judaism, my friends found it easy to admit the denominational labels we did not label ourselves with. Our Jewish identities were a mix of our childhood upbringings, camp and youth group, and Israel experiences. Somewhere along the way I became dissatisfied with how I had related to Judaism, and began to search.
I am constantly conflicted with emotion. The same ease of feeling a part of many different Jewish groups I feel proud to be able to say I feel in virtually any American Jewish community, is the same slight discomfort that I also feel in every community, because I can’t seem to find one that feels truly home for me. My first spiritual home no longer physically exists. I had spent the twenty or so years as a member of a warm and welcoming Reform synagogue- the Reform Temple of Suffern Shir-Shalom, located in Suffern, NY. With fewer than 250 families, I knew just about every name and face, and most knew mine as well. I was a madricha from seventh through twelfth grade, held various youth group leadership positions, attended a supplementary Religious School program through high school, and got to fill in for the cantor the Shabbatot our student cantor was not leading services.
As our small tight-knit community became even smaller, the decision was made to merge with the nearby Beth Haverim synagogue. By this time, our Hebrew high school programs had already been combined, and by forming these partnerships, it became important for the merging of two spiritual communities. Eventually, a date was announced for the closing of our synagogue building, and the official joining into one new congregation. The date was in the summer, a time I knew I would be away in upstate New York working at a sleep away camp. I immediately got permission from my Camp Director to take the time off to be present for my synagogue’s final Shabbat service.
Because I was immersed in camp, I did not have the time to really think about what this impending merger meant to me. The 45 minute drive with one of my mentors from camp (who happened to be the former Principal of the Religious School when I was in elementary school) to my synagogue, gave me the time to think and reflect on the special community that raised me to be the Jewish adult I am today. As I sat and cried during the very last service of the Reform Temple of Suffern Shir Shalom that summer, I couldn’t help but feel sad because I knew that I could never come home again. Yes, a lot of congregants joined the new merged synagogue, however my family did not. When I’m back in Suffern these days, I still make it a point to spend Shabbat at the new synagogue. For me, I feel like something is missing every time I am there. While I can’t put it into words exactly, something still draws me back.
So, I continue searching for my spiritual home. I like traditional liturgy and modern innovations. I want participatory prayer experiences without watering down the service and yearn for an egalitarian, traditional and innovative Jewish community to call my own. My connection to the Reform movement has left me with the desire to be open-minded about my Judaism, committed to social action and egalitarianism. My limited experience with more traditional communities has allowed me to become more educated as a Jewish adult. At times, my searching has made me feel lost, but for right now, it just leaves the door open for countless opportunities.
