Tuesday, June 9, 2009

My transition after college is kind of bumpy...

I graduated from college. I have a Bachelor's Degree in Judaic Studies. Graduation weekend was perhaps one of the most bittersweet times of my life thus far. I had a really hard saying goodbye to Hillel, especially the Kantor's. Such wonderful people...
Friday night was extremely awkward because it was Hillel senior shabbat dinner, and it was only the Kantor's, my roommate Allison and her family, and another family. It really hurt not to have mine there, although when I try to envision them there, I have a crazy vision in my head. I came close to crying so many times during services and dinner just thinking about how much I loved college and didn't want to move on quite yet.
I got through dinner and we headed over to Chabad for some boring speeches, and saw more of our friends. I can't remember the rest of that night, but I think we ended up just going back to the apartment after that. Saturday lunch at Hillel was not as awkward because thankfully, more people showed up. Saturday afternoon I hung out with Allison and her family, and waited for Becky to arrive. She finally showed up in time to go back to the apartment for Shabbos naps.
Seudah Shlishit at Chabad was fine, despite the downpour we experienced while getting there. I wanted Saturday night to last forever. I just kept trying to take in every moment with my roommates. We went to Friendly's after Shabbat was over, and then came back to the apartment to watch movies and do more packing.
I woke up way too early to get ready for Sunday's graduation. It was so surreal putting on that cap and gown, and walking down to the gym. It was a really lonely walk, and I wish that my roommates and I all graduated together. The graduation ceremony itself wasn't so exciting. As I was sitting in my seat during the ceremony looking through the booklet I realized that my name wasn't listed. Maybe I didn't graduate?! I had a slight panic attack. It turns out that I just RSVP'd for graduation a little too late and the books were already made.
After graduation I waited outside the events center to meet up with the wonderful people who had come to see me graduate. Most of them didn't actually know each other, but it meant a lot to me that they were all there. My Binghamton experience ended ironically, at Chabad- the place that I swore I would never have anything to do with. Brunch was free, so Becky and her dad joined me to celebrate. We packed up the car, and off I went back to Suffern.
I am so proud that I graduated. When I look back on it now, I still can't believe all that I was able to accomplish all that I did on my own. I was able to not fail all of my classes, conquer financial aid, become friends with some of the most warm and giving people I have ever met, find an incredible friend, mentor and teacher, and become a stronger person, hopefully capable of becoming a successful adult.
I left Binghamton feeling really good. I really felt like I could do anything. With all that confidence, I decided to do something impulsive, drastic, and probably dumb. I asked my Dad if I move into his house. He said yes. My parents didn't even ask if they could come to my college graduation, and that really dissapointed me. I decided that this is probably my last chance for a while to try and somehow find some peace with them, so here I am in my parents house trying to force them to have a relationship with me.
I'm failing miserably. Yes, I've changed a little...issues of keeping kosher and shabbat come up almost every day. It doesn't help that I'm used to running my own life completely. I don't stay out late, I clean up after myself, I do my own laundry etc. For some reason my Mom just can't get over her anger and make an effort to acknowledge my existence. I'm running out of time. I go to Kutz for training in about 2 weeks, and then I'm off to New Orleans, followed by a few weeks back in Suffern, and then North Carolina for at least a year.
I guess some things never change.
I'm so homesick for Binghamton and camp, two things not in the near future